The Fighter Within II.

A million screams,

and a billion dreams,

Suspended by a thread in the room,

Foreheads soaked,

as their minds all hoped,

Someone would lift the cloud of gloom.

From each extremes,

and everything in between,

Tears ran dry and eyes were sore,

As they sat in wait,

awaiting their fate,

wondering if a loved one was at heaven’s door.

Doctors rushed,

the commotion gushed,

everyone anxiously awaiting their turn,

To walk right in,

and meet their kin,

Before their agony would spill out and burn.

During this phase,

a few eyebrows were raised,

towards the sight at the end of the room;

A lady quite frail,

and a tall, young male,

laughing and smiling in this cauldron of doom.

Some of them wondered,

as the others thundered,

How could anyone smile in a place like this?

They found it unfair,

all of them there,

that those two people were happily in bliss.

So one of them walked,

and decided to talk,

wanting to vent all his rage in brief,

His patience broken,

as soon as he’d spoken,

“Are you two blind or just oblivious to grief?

Our loved ones are on a bed,

some already dead,

you think it’s funny we sit here and grieve?

I don’t want to fight,

but trust me I might,

so I beg you just stand up and leave.”

The young boy smiled,

which drove the man wild,

as he waited for one of the two to explain;

Their lack of pity,

engaged his curiosity,

why couldn’t they understand his pain?

Then the silence broke,

as the young boy spoke,

“Good sir, I would like you to meet my mother,

Cancer stage five,

just barely alive,

so you’re wrong that I can’t understand pain of another.

For two long years,

I saw all of my fears,

come true and I could do nothing to keep,

her pain away

even just for a day,

so I would just sit down, hug her and weep.

But tell me good sir,

if you have an answer,

if there’s any good in reminding us of her fate?

No I wouldn’t let her,

even if she isn’t getting better,

sit down and cry out the rest of her days.

Wouldn’t you smile,

Take her away for a while,

Remember the good times in what are her worst?

Wouldn’t you be proud,

That you never bowed,

And that before death you got to her first?

Your loved ones have a chance,

of waking from their trance,

but I sadly know what lies ahead for me,

So I would be glad,

if you don’t make us sad,

and leave us to laughter and just let us be.”

As the man listened,

his eyes glistened,

as he returned to the corner where uncertainty loomed,

He looked at the fighter,

as his heart grew lighter,

hearing the the sound of their laughter echo in the room.

Vanity and Vendetta.

She walked as if the ground beneath her feet begged for her to grace it with her essence. She held her head up high, as if she commanded the wind to blow only the right tresses of her hair, to make the trees bow down in front of her unparalleled beauty. She smiled as her bare feet kissed the white sands on the beach, she loved how her features overshadowed all the amazing beauty around her. She reached the edge of the shore, and glanced at her own reflection in the clear, blue sea and she thought to herself -How could God make anyone so beautiful?

He felt the earth crumbling beneath his feet, shattering like the thoughts in his mind at the prospect of living like he was incomplete. He kept his head bowed down, because the wind felt like razorblades cutting through his burnt skin, like it wished to weather whatever remained of his face and whatever was left within. Everything around him seemed to belittle his very existence, as if it mocked his will to live. He stared at his own reflection on the glass bottle in his hand and thought to himself- How could God make anyone so ugly?

*              *              *              *

Her reflection smiled back at her from the sea, she knew now how it was to really fall in love. Her mind went back to the time when she thought she knew what love meant, when she had found someone who looked like God’s perfect gift for her, her own little piece of heaven on earth. He had been the most beautiful person she had ever seen, and her love for him had grown for him until the day fate stepped in to ruin a thing of beauty. What had once been the canvas for an artist’s masterpiece of the perfect dream, now looked like a frozen nightmare with a terrible scream.

His reflection looked like a half finished sculpture that an artist had forgotten to complete. The face which looked like the perfect dream had now unraveled at the seams, the scars of the accident had marked permanent trails across a once beautiful terrain. He remembered the time she loved him for what he had once been, but once destiny destroyed his face and left it burnt, he remembered she turned away and never returned. The rage inside his head was building.

*              *              *              *

She had no regrets for leaving when the world around him was grieving. After all, how could he live with a face that constantly reminded him of what he had lost? Why would someone like her, chiseled to the definition of perfection choose to spend her life with an ugly, distorted being? As she got up to leave, she smiled and touched the water, leaving a ripple that spread across her entire reflection.

The anger inside his head corroded his thoughts more than his damaged face. He realized that her vanity was nothing but a mask of her insanity. The glass bottle in his hand was now quivering, his fists clasping it with uncontrollable rage.  The liquid inside the bottle rippled ferociously, reminiscent of the waves of anger inside his head, as the white sands beneath his feet grew warmer by the minute.

*         *        *

She started walking, and she watched her feet delicately sift through the soft sands. She looked up, and then she froze in horror. The beauty in all her features drained away in an instant. She had never looked more devastated.

He stood two steps away from her as he noticed her vanity melt away in seconds. He unscrewed the glass bottle containing the acid, and he smiled. He had never looked more beautiful.

Miserable Monday.

One of the first poems I wrote. 

 

How I wished, the German class would just end soon,

I’m sleepy, it’s already 4:30 in the afternoon.

Boredom reached its limits; I knew I could have died,

A few minutes more, I swear I would have cried.

 

And then I finally heard the magical words from his mouth,

“German class is over, now you can go out”

Pumped with energy, filled with desire,

I ran out of class like my ass was on fire.

 

And as I reached outside, my feet automatically stopped,

I could swear my eyes from their sockets, almost popped.

I saw her right there, skin as white as milk,

The hair flowing down, like fine threads of silk.

 

A thing of beauty, she glided through the street,

I adjusted my path, to make sure we would meet.

I looked up then, into those beautiful eyes,

With the glow and warmth of a firefly’s.

 

And slowly but surely her head turned around,

For the second time, my feet were stuck to the ground.

“Excuse me?” she said.”Where’s the academic block?”

“Just continue straight” (Wow! She actually talked?!)

 

“Thank you so much” she said, with a smile so quaint,

I smiled back stupidly, trying not to faint,

“Haha, you’re so cute”, she cheerily obliged,

And I turned as red as a baboon’s backside.

 

And then fate stepped in, and took a turn for the worse,

A cruel game of life, my luck turned to curse.

He came up smoothly, gave her a kiss on the cheek,

And then I discovered, I had no words to speak.

 

It was like I swallowed, a jar full of salt,

What the hell did I do? Was it my fault?

The spot where he kissed her, turned a rosy red,

“Madam, do you even remember anything I said?!”

 

It was like straight from Titanic, just different you see,

She was Kate Winslet, Leornado was me,

And just as I tried to climb the floating door,

She stamped on my face, I reached the ocean floor.

 

“What are you thinking?” the guy suddenly said,

“How to bang an iron rod, right on your head.”

“Bye” she said demurely, smiling with grace,

I was stranded in cold, the blood left my face.

 

She was 23, and that was the scene,

And I was a demented nutcase, only 17.

It wouldn’t have worked, I sadly grinned,

To her anyway, I was a fart in the wind.

 

I bowed my head, gracious in defeat,

Well at least I still am, single and complete.

 

Blame it on the Rain.

Lulled me into your arms, and I walked right in,
Nursed my soul to breathe, pulled me up from within,
Made promises you couldn’t keep, and I went on believing,
Told me there wasn’t a chance of you ever leaving.

And then the sun started setting, and the shadows grew long,
But you were around me, I knew nothing could go wrong,
But as the night went on, playing symphonies of pain,
You weren’t there at all, so I blamed it on the rain.

I waited and waited, so thoroughly agitated,
Hoping you would come, until the night abated.
But that night taught me a lesson, know what I found?
That I could survive among shadows without you around.

You or anyone at all, so I decided never again,
But these memories keep on repeating like some poem’s refrain.
So inspite of pushing all these dreams into the drain,
This soul aches for you, but I blame it on the rain.

It wasn’t easy to trust at first, it’s even harder now,
Knowing my secrets lie somewhere I’m no longer allowed,
I don’t know where to go and I don’t know what to say,
I’m scared someone else will hear my secrets and walk away.

The worst is you made it clear, you’re with some other guy,
And I wonder if there’s any reason that’s good enough to justify
what you’ve done, but atleast the facts are there simple and plain,
It’s destroyed everything in me, but I  blame it on the rain.

I hope you get everything, everything in the future I had seen,
And I hope you learn to live, without what we both could’ve been.
And I hope that in my memories, you’re nothing but a stain,
If that doesn’t happen, well, I will blame it on the rain.

The Fighter Within.

I sit down, badly beaten, I know I’ve been here before,

Overwhelmed by these feelings, that rock me to my core.

The hard punches, the ruthless kicks, whips from your leather belt,

If only you stopped yourself sometimes, to understand how I felt?

 

What pleasure you get from beating me, I just cannot comprehend,

Cause when I married you, I didn’t know that this is how it’d end.

When I first fell in love with you, you were so gentle and so tender,

treated me like your equal, and never hated me for my gender.

 

The voice which never shook before, reaches a fiercely high pitch,

“You’re useless, you never work, you whining dirty bitch!”

How am I supposed to know why your feelings changed track?

and why a loving husband like you would now viciously attack?

 

Do you feel really powerful when you push me to the ground?

Would you still dare to do the same if there were other people around?

Why would you hide from your love, the better of your two faces?

The one I lived and could die for, but now gone without any traces.

 

The hands which held mine, in the worse of times made me well,

Now thoughtlessly hurt me, show me how it’s like being in hell.

Atleast make me understand on which road I took the wrong turn?

Just please don’t hurt me like you do, these scars do really burn.

 

More than my disfigured body, it’s my mind which is in pain,

To see you treat your wife not like a boon but a devil’s bane.

These wounds and the bruises aren’t just on the realms of my skin,

They line every inch of my body, but hurt me worse from within.

 

The reason I don’t hit back is i’m finding that person from before

And I don’t mind enduring pain, nursing these bones which go sore.

Sometimes I feel like letting go, drinking your medicine to give you a taste,

Heating an iron rod on the stove, then beating YOUR bones to a paste.

 

But I can’t do it, cause in front of love my revenge seems to simmer,

And I’ll keep holding on to you, even if the light grows any dimmer.

Believe me, you’ve already given me a million reasons to hate,

But as a favour to my promises, I will keep quiet and wait.

 

I’ll wait till you’ll throw your rage, to a place where it can’t be found,

When I can sleep next to you on the bed, without being pushed around.

But until that fateful day, I’ll look for anything that I can hold,

To resist all this built up temptation, to stand up and be bold.

 

I’ll try and find that dark corner in your soul, where I’ve always wanted to live,

where I can be who I am in reality, where all my respect for you I can give.

I’m still trying to look but the snap of your belt puts me back in my place,

Makes me feel like I’m running in quicksand, against time in a race.

 

I’m ready to keep running provided you’re ready to eat your pride

I’m wiling to run on broken glass, barefoot with both my feet tied.

All I ask is for you to find yourself, and quickly give my life back,

before I put my own happiness first, because then I just might crack.

 

Even though I’m crying in silence, if I can continue I have a doubt,

Please come back to me now, before my love and strength run out.

I’m not quiet because I’m weak, I cry in silence because I choose,

So don’t underestimate this fighter, because one day she might let loose.

Mom.

This one’s for you Mom. Hope there’s some way you might get to read it.

 

 

If you didn’t see what happened that night, when I stood all alone beside your bed,

I’m writing this now so you get to read, every little thing that went on inside in my head.

I drew the curtains and latched the door, I didn’t want anyone to hear what I had to say,

The only exception would have been you, but you couldn’t hear me now anyway.

 

So I just held your hand and it was so cold, just like this world which gave you pain,

I asked you questions which I asked you everyday, ( I asked over and  over again.)

I waited like an eternity for you to reply.. For you to just do anything at all for that matter,

I could hear my heart pounding in that empty room, and when you didn’t move I heard it shatter.

 

They say everything that happens is for the best,  but how am I to think of this for the better?

How could you leave without saying good bye, or without any last words to hold this heart together?

I cried and prayed, experienced a world of pain, until your blanket was stained with my tears,

I opened every corner of my heart to you, every hidden emotion, every thought and ever fear.

 

I begged you to come back once and talk to me, and tell me everything that I wanted to hear,

I just wanted to tell you everything I left unsaid, I wanted to hug you and hold you near.

It wasn’t easy accepting so many things, like the fact that I won’t see you smile,

that I won’t have anyone to run back to,when miserable things like this would start to pile

 

I wouldn’t hear your laugh echo in the hall back home, or any thing else with your special touch,

It wasn’t even 5 minutes since you were gone, it was devastating I missed you so much.

I just want you to know that I’m so very proud of you, for inspiringme to be everything nice,

I’m proud you you fought on with a smile on your face, even when the cancer relapsed twice.

 

It wasn’t easy seeing you suffer like that, and I know it wasn’t easy for you too,

And I’m glad you’re in a much better place now, even if it means staying away from you.

I’ve seen you fight these months with your soul, when it would’ve been easier to give in and leave,

You chose to live when it was easier to die, and you made everyone around you believe.

 

I want you to know I’ll do whatever to walk in your shoes, I’ll even try to better whatever you saw,

I’ll light up lives, smile all the way, (Yeah., even find you your beautiful daughter in law.)

But do know you’ve left behind a hole so big, one that probably will never ever be filled,

A hole that’ll only disappear when my wish of meeting you once again is fulfilled.

 

Only after I made all these confessions, was when I decided it was time to leave,

My final promise was that I wouldn’t cry anymore, that this was the last time I would grieve.

So I clasped your hand one last time and prayed, then I did the hardest thing ever asked from me,

I kissed you goodbye and broke down again, i hope this one time you’ll let my emotions run free?

 

Life is going to be anything but easy after you, all straight roads will now curve uphill,

Starting from losing the most lively person in my life, and watching her lie absolutely still.

Rest assured I know you’re watching me right now, writing this struggling to hold my own,

But these wounds will take their time to heal, so will this feeling of being all alone.

 

Till then I hope you promise to watch over us all, to make it a little easier than it now seems,

I hope you give us the strength to go on without you, and that you speak to us in our dreams.

Ask God to give me a kid who smiles like you, so that I never have a reason to complain,

Ask God to send a little of your warmth with the light, a little of your love with the rain.

 

In turn I’ll remember you’re always around me, and I’ll try  not to be forever scarred,

And that inspite of all that has happened, you’re gone but still never too far.

 

Little Things.

She stood in the distance, unaware just how lovingly I was staring at her. She slowly glided past me, as gently as the delicate breeze that swayed the few thin strands of hair on her head. The sound of uneasy, imbalanced footsteps echoed in the room, as she lowered herself onto a wooden chair that moaned as she collapsed into it. Little beads of sweat trickled down her once beautiful dusky skin, now botched with black patches, remainders and reminders of the ordeals she had undertaken in the past few months. A look of intense concentration spread itself across her face, as she tried to focus her attentions to the cup of hot tea that lay on the table in front of her.

She reached out ever so slowly, trying to stop it from shivering as her hand clasped at the winter air, trying to grab the handle of the teacup. Her fingers felt around it’s scathing surface, trying to find the strength to lift it to her parched lips. Them a moment of calm, its silence broken only by her heavy breathing, and the gentle clanging of the teacup against the glass saucer. She sighed, as she heaved the cup upwards, the cancer drugs inside her body disrupting her sense of balance and normalcy. The hot tea spilled across the table for a second, but she only chuckled at her clumsiness.

Her hands still trembled, like a candle flame nearing the end of its existence, but that only seemed to make her even more determined. Her eyes drifted in and out of a world only she could understand, trying to speak to a mind so thoroughly drained that it wished for nothing but peace and tranquility. The morphine which dulled her unbearable pain from the chemotherapy, had already sapped the boundless energy that danced in her smiles. Yet she fought hard to keep awake, to keep trying, wanting to do one of the very few things she was allowed to do without feeling handicapped. The strain showed clearly on her face, as the cup of tea came ever so close to her lips. The smell of tea wafted close to her, tantalizing her, as the cup came even closer. Her lips, full of cracked lines running like fissures across the drought stricken plains, anticipated the warm liquid that would touch them, free them from their fate.  She closed her eyes as the tea touched her lips, savoring the beauty of her thirst being quenched. She sipped it in utter ecstasy, the most beautiful smile stretching itself across her face. The chair groaned once more and so did she, as she gathered all her strength to stand back up, her slow foot steps now made their way towards me. She smiled once more and looked at me, I smiled back. ‘I love you son’ she whispered, before the echoes of her footsteps faded away.

Little Window Cleaner.

Little window cleaner, I wish you wouldn’t look at me like this.
The ghosts of your childhood in your eyes is something I cannot miss.
6 years old, shamelessly told, to go about washing car windows,
Why do you want to help people see, when they choose to ignore you from the comfort of their leather seats?

Little window cleaner, your destiny lies much beyond what you realize,
So don’t be disheartened by the cold hearts, those inconsiderate eyes.
But this destiny, I can’t help you get there, no one can,
I can’t even help you feel better from where I stand.
I can’t give you money to give you reason to eat,
Lest your parents send you out again to beg on the street,
Knowing the innocence in your eyes can be used for reasons wrong,
Little window cleaner I hope you realize one day that you are strong.

If you weren’t, I don’t think I would have written this for you,
I hope you read this one day and realize you’re stronger than you ever knew.
Till then you need to give yourself reasons to exist,
Even when those same reasons might appear unfair or incessantly jinxed.
If you need a reason to stay alive, look at one of the windows you clean,
Then, little window cleaner, you will understand what I mean.

I will pray that the day I tell you about will come to you soon,
And that God saves you from a fate of rotting away in this dark cocoon.
Thank you Little window cleaner, for the little inspiration that I stole.
Thank you little window cleaner, for cleaning the windows of my soul.

Living for Love.

The pain shot through his body once more, his guts felt like they were on fire,

He didn’t know why or where exactly he was, everything around him was going haywire.

Blinded right now by the fine lines of age, which strangely never showed on his beautiful face,

He lay there struggling to control his fears, that this was perhaps the end of his days.

 

And suddenly he heard that amazing voice, quivering with so much grief that it ached,

“Hang in there sweetheart!” he heard her cry, he knew he had to survive for her sake.

His mind went back to their very first meeting, he was a little ball of fur just 2 weeks old,

He was blind then too but he heard her squeal, he remembered those seconds he spent in her hold.

 

Those moments of blindness felt surprisingly easy, her voice was the one thing that guided his being,

He loved feeling the warmth of her embrace, and how it overshadowed his need for seeing.

He remembered the first time he opened his eyes, eager to see the source of all the care,

A little girl stood beaming in front of his eyes, and all he could do then was stare.

 

Her smile was as warm as her million embraces, she radiated a glow that made time stand still,

He couldn’t recall being happier all his life, his tail was wagging like a windmill.

She lifted him up at least 5 feet off the ground, so he could gaze into those enchanting eyes,

“You’re so cute!” she screamed again and again, she was oblivious to her own beauty he realized.

 

The love between them stretched beyond infinity, to a point where they couldn’t exist without each other,

She was his mom, his dad, his sister, his lover, and he was her precious inseparable little brother.

They both grew up and grew even closer, something they both thought was impossible at the start,

He would lay at her lap after a long day of doing nothing, and she would pat him and pour out her heart.

 

She knew he understood not a single word she spoke, but her face portrayed a million emotions,

It smiled, it fell, it laughed, it swelled, after which he licked it (it tasted of make up and sunscreen lotion).

She scratched him always in all the right places, she even knew his favorite flavor of dog food,

In 13 years he never spoke a word that told her that, yet somehow she always understood.

 

Rage, chaos, heartbreaks- He’d seen it all, he watched himself crumble whenever she cried,

Sometimes he wished he was human so he could talk, and be more than just a listener at her side.

After all she’d done so much more for him he felt, those infinite smiles, the talking, a million miles of walking,

Of covering his ears when the thunder scared him, and sneaking biscuits into his Christmas stocking.

 

He remembered when his body became frailer, and when age started to hamper his sight,

She stood right beside him all day and night, whispering to him throughout his miserable plight.

Things never got better after that point, he knew he was now in an unwinnable fight,

His kidney failed and left him in pain, his stomach cramped and robbed his appetite.

 

Still she comforted him every minute of the day, patted out the creases of his constant frowns,

But it hurt him to know he was hurting her, every night he heard the sounds of her breaking down.

Then today it had all gone horribly wrong, as they rushed him through the hospital door,

He knew he had been pushed to the line beyond which he just couldn’t endure any more.

 

But her voice and the memories kept him alive, he wanted to keep fighting inspite of knowing it was tough,

Then he heard her footsteps come ever so close, as she whispered “Love, you’ve done enough.”

The wave of emotions that pushed him back, he really couldn’t bring himself to explain,

On one hand he was relieved she understood, on the other leaving her behind would be more pain.

 

Then suddenly he felt a little needle like prick, slowly penetrating one of his veins,

He could hear her sobs reach hysteria now, as the hour glass of life counted it’s final grains.

That moment overpowered his sense of calm, he knew that she’d notice his distress was showing,

He wanted to hear one last thing from her, and he wasn’t leaving without her knowing.

“I’ll never love anyone like I’ve loved you.” she whispered, she held his paws and then she weeped,

He heard those words and smiled in peace, and then drifted off into eternal sleep.

Peace.

Her pain threatens to tear her insides apart, imprisoned eternally without parole,

She closes her eyes for once to save her the pain, to lull the demons running riot  in her soul.

She promises herself to not scream in rage, at the cancer drugs breaking her mind,

She tells herself she’ll survive another day, and all this will be a memory left behind.

Taunted by the world that spins before her eyes, every detail that drowns in a haze,

Her limbs paralyzed and then springing to life, in a frustratingly cyclic phase.

Sleepless nights robbing her mind of the peace, that could save her from moments of insanity,

Of not being able to tell day from night, of moments spent crying for a little  clarity.

And as she sits wrapped in a world of her own, she hears footsteps and the sound of the door,

And suddenly her mind felt a lot more at ease, the weight on her shoulders so much lighter than before.

Her 6 year old daughter came into the room, she walked up to her and clasped her hand,

And second after second of blaming the world, she finally found  something in it that could understand.

Her touch, her voice, everything about her, made the world as beautiful as it had ever been,

The pain in her now was slowly subsiding, and she knew it wasn’t because of the morphine.

She realized this was the only part of her day, when the pain inside her would cease,

So she smiled and then she closed her eyes, to savour her only moment of peace.